An existential crisis. That’s what I think I should call it. A big – huge – problem with my entire existence. I am not saying things are over, I’m just saying things are harder than I would have liked it to be. Which things? You might ask. Well, my sense of being in general I suppose.
I’m lying on my bed typing this on my phone while my boys are both napping. I initially opened up my laptop, but I did not even see the login screen before I shut it again. I don’t want to sleep. I know that I need it, but I just don’t feel like wasting time. Work and play equally hard, take time from sleep if you need to.
I’m experiencing a dilemma and I’m not sure how to deal with it. Maybe you are having a similar issue? My dilemma is this: why. Why this? I’m striving to find my purpose in this big big world, but like my last gin and tonic, it’s gone. I find myself questioning everything lately. Why should I? Why should I not? Who am I?
Closer to forty than thirty, surely this is a ridiculous question to be asking. My Reiki therapist friend and I often ask each other: do you remember who you were before the world told you who to be? Sometimes I know the answer straight away. Sometimes I don’t. I don’t today.
I think when it comes to self-discovery one always has this pre-painted picture that something major should happen before you reach that “oh, this is me” moment. I call bullshit. That’s not true. Big things happen all the time and I still have not had the aha moment.
I recently heard something that resonated with me and it really touched me deeply. “Ask your future self for guidance.” I pondered the idea and the more I drink [sic] about it, the more it makes sense. Your future self knows what you’ve gone through to get there, and your future self knows that you survived.
This road of self-discovery and constant questioning is exhausting. And it just dawned upon me that maybe there is nothing to discover. I will always ask questions and I’ll never know the exact answers. That’s the journey. And my future self already traveled that road. So instead of asking myself who I am, I’m going to tell myself who I want to be. My future self will cheer me on knowing I’m becoming who she is and that’s enough for me.
So, until further notice, I won’t be able to tell you who I am. But I’m working damn hard on becoming who I want to be.